I stand to be corrected, but according to me, relationships aren’t meant to be easy. This is in order for the parties involved to show effort towards a happy ending for them.

More like a weighing scale where if the weight is more on one end, the scale will tip towards that side, and the opposite applies.

We therefore must find balance in order for it to work well. These efforts include genuine care and respect for each other, the rest of the needs and wants will follow.

If you care enough, you’ll want to know where your partner is coming from either by background or their point in a simple conversation. If you care enough you’ll want to ask yourself if you are truly adding value to your partner’s life or your weighing them down.

If you respect your partner enough, you’ll not take them for granted, you’ll do anything to avoid embarrassing them, and you will definitely not string them along on a time-wasting relationship.

So, why are relationships difficult?

Assuming you are in a relationship

A lot of people meet and spend a lot of time with each other without defining what their relationship status is. Getting used to someone’s company is sometimes confused with being in a relationship or in love with the said person. Before long, one person gets to meet the true love of their life, leaving the other counting losses and nursing a bruised heart.

A lot of people, especially men, and those yet to heal from previous relationship traumas, are not known to be open in terms of feelings but I believe that what has not been said, should not be assumed. Saying it loud does not guarantee a long-lasting relationship. However, it cancels out an imaginary situation.

How you meet your partner matters and your first impression lasts

If they cheated to be with you, they’ll cheat on you no doubt! Also, a guy and a girl who don’t imagine that you can meet new people and just be friends, will almost always find themselves in a relationship basically based on their availability of someone of the opposite sex, and the correct social environment.

At first, as strangers, people are almost always nice to each other. After maybe a long time alone, or a recent heartbreak, some alcohol and someone giving you a listening ear might seem like a God-sent gift. In the process, you open up too much not picturing you two might start something.

After a few dates or meet ups, you realise the aloofness in your love interest, is caused by some information you gave up out of excitement over time. Your love interest might have been gauging your alcohol or other substance use, decency in how you address people of all walks of life, how you dress, what you think of religion, your family traditions, your decision-making skills, etcetera.

What you say in your not-dating-for-real stage can, and will be used against you later. A decent person will let you know when it’s not working. A terrible person will keep you around and string you along until they find the person they want.

When you cross the line for adrenaline or out of curiosity or loneliness, then it fails

Best friends for example, shouldn’t cross the line unless they decide to be on the same relationship journey, having checked the pros and cons and decided on how to handle in case it doesn’t work out.

Otherwise you’ll end up in a relationship alone, you can’t go forward, you can’t go back. You don’t see each other the same as soon as you see each other naked.

You miss each other but you have no way of getting your old selves back. Same applies to office flings. Some work, some end terribly and if you must work with each other, the productivity is affected.

Pressure from social media

When you are in denial but you feel like you have a point to prove, relationships don’t always work. One should at least accept that that relationship is not going anywhere and communicate the same as they part ways.

However, some people would rather drag a situation till it bleeds instead of just counting losses and moving on because, “What will my followers say?”.

Maturity levels/When you air dirty laundry

Your partner might not care what you say out there about your relationship, but you must be mindful of what you put out there, because it almost always comes back to the person of interest in the story told.

A relationship works best if you’re both mature enough to know what is inappropriate for others to know.

When you can’t communicate

Some people take sudden loud tones as a sign of war. It triggers something from their upbringing or life experiences.

Some take high-pitched tones as a sign of sarcasm and therefore, disrespect. Learn how your partner prefers to be communicated to while also communicating how you prefer to be addressed. It’ll either work, or not. There’ll be some compromise or parting of ways.

Pride

When you can compromise winning an argument for example, to save the relationship but to you, compromise is some sort of weakness and your girlfriends must know your man is wrapped around your finger.

More money more problems

They say you’ll know a man better when he gets in power, and a woman when she no longer needs you. I say money brings power and that power brings out who you truly are.

While money is good for growth and progress, it has been known to kill some relationships. Someone might have been with you all along just so you can help with the bills. Someone else might have taken time to study you so he can show you your definition of love just so you can produce his children in his most productive age.

Once money comes in, one feels no need to be helped with bills, another can afford to have and provide for children they get with other people.

Sudden uninvited change

This is when you try to change yourself or try to change your partner to be different from what you were when you met. Change is possible, but it has to be gradual in order for understanding and compromise to kick in.

For example, a woman might wish for her man to stop partying late or drinking especially after they get married and they start having children. It’s not an unreasonable ask, and a lot of men will actually change without being asked. However, how you request for this change matters. The opposite applies as well.

As much as traditionally, a woman is tasked with keeping a home, and at the back of our minds we know the party life must seize, this obvious change should be spoken of gradually instead of sudden announcement of instructions like suddenly her husband is King and she, a mere peasant subject.

The high handed strategy might work, and the woman might stop and stay at home, but if she still holds a grudge on you for it, rest assured an embarrassing moment for the family is coming no matter how long it takes. She might be following the instructions but only because she’s at her weakest moment; probably on maternity, still breastfeeding, no stable job or income and maybe no support from her people.

Another change is in looks. The guy might want to keep a big belly and a humongous beard, to signify prosperity and husband figure. The woman might want to cut her hair short and wear dera for comfort and ease in movement within the home. These changes might seem petty but they have a certain level of impact on how these two see each other.

Toxic situations with exes where children are involved

If a baby daddy or baby mama won’t let go of your partner easily, it’s up to your partner to correct that. If they keep using their child/children as an excuse for disrespectful behaviour, you know you are the clown in that relationship.

Lack of boundaries with the in-laws

The relationship is between a man and a woman. The in-laws matter but once their concerns and opinions overpower the main players in the relationship, frustration is built, frustration becomes anger, anger becomes malice, malice kills what was.

Rosebella Kwamboka Ototo is a Radio Traffic Controller currently with Radio47, a mother to a teenager and a toddler