Monday in Nairobi is not for the weak. It’s the day reality slaps you harder than a matatu conductor when you try to pay with a torn note.
Monday blues hit harder especially when you wake up with a hangover that feels like a personal vendetta from all the cheap shots you took over the weekend at your local.
The weekend euphoria is gone, your bank account is on life support, and suddenly, your boss who ignored you all last week remembers your name.
If you’re struggling to survive this terrible day, here’s a step-by-step guide to making it out alive.
1. Accept Your Fate
First things first, Monday is inevitable. No amount of complaining, sighing, or sending “I hate it here” memes will make it go away. The weekend is over, and it’s time to return to adulting (unfortunately).
The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can start planning your next rebellion… on Friday.
2. Coffee or Die
Surviving a Monday in Nairobi without caffeine is like driving on Thika Road with no brakes, pure chaos. Your body is already 70% stress; at least let the remaining 30% be coffee.
Whether it’s a double espresso or that questionable instant coffee in the office kitchen, just take it. Desperate times call for desperate caffeine.
3. Survive the Traffic (or Find a Sugar Daddy to Buy You a Helicopter)
If you live in Nairobi, traffic is part of your personality. Monday mornings are especially cursed, you wake up early, leave early, but still somehow arrive late.
The traffic doesn’t care about your effort. If you take a matatu, you’ll get an impromptu DJ set at full volume at 8am in the morning on a stomach that missed breakfast due to the rush. If you drive, get ready to question your life choices at every roundabout.
Honestly, the only solution is to manifest a billionaire boyfriend who owns a helicopter. Otherwise, just suffer in peace.
4. Fake Productivity Like a Pro
Let’s be real, no one is actually working on Monday morning. Everyone is in “adjustment mode” pretending to be busy while secretly scrolling on TikTok. The trick is to look productive.
– Open an Excel sheet and sigh deeply every five minutes.
– Walk fast around the office with a pen (destination unknown).
– Type aggressively on your keyboard (even if you’re just updating your fantasy football team).
– Stare at your screen with a confused look, it makes people think you’re dealing with serious work issues.
By the time your boss realizes you’ve done absolutely nothing, it’ll already be lunchtime.
5. Lunch is the Only Thing That Matters
The only good thing about Monday? Lunch. Whether it’s a greasy plate of chapo madondo or overpriced food at that fancy place with bad service, this is your one moment of happiness. Enjoy it. Cherish it. Overeat if necessary.
If you’re broke, which is 99% likely after the weekend, this is the day to have “serious financial discussions” with your friends so someone can buy you lunch.
6. Survive the Afternoon Slump
After lunch, your energy level is lower than the WiFi signal at a government office. Everything feels slow, your eyelids weigh a tonne, and emails start looking like the Egyptian tombstone writings. Your only options:
– Pretend to be deep in thought while taking a strategic nap at your desk.
– Drink another cup of coffee and accept that you’re now officially addicted.
– Walk to the water dispenser 50 times to “stretch your legs.”
– Start planning your exit strategy even though you know you’ll be back here the next day.
7. Clock Out and Escape Like Your Life Depends on It
The only thing that truly matters on a Monday? Getting home in one piece. The moment the clock hits 5:00 PM, run like you just saw your ex. Do not engage in unnecessary conversations. Do not check emails. Just leave.
If your boss calls you back for “just one quick thing,” pretend you didn’t hear. At this point, your mental stability is hanging by a thread, and Nairobi’s evening traffic is already waiting to humble you.
8. Home Sweet Home (Time to Rot in Peace)
After surviving the horrors of Monday, you finally make it home. Now it’s time to do what all Nairobians do:
– Complain about your day to your friends who also had a terrible Monday.
– Scroll social media and lie to yourself that you’ll sleep early.
– Order junk food because “you deserve it” even though you’re broke.
– Question every decision that led you to your current life situation.
Then, repeat the cycle next Monday.
Final Thoughts: Will We Ever Escape?
No. Monday will always find you. But as long as you have caffeine, fake productivity skills, and a solid exit strategy, you just might survive.
Stay strong, fellow Nairobian. Friday is coming. Slowly, but it’s coming!
